One of the hardest parts of parenting is displeasing our children. This often happens when we tell our kids ‘no’ or hold them accountable for their actions. We naturally want to please our children and give them good gifts, which reflects the character of our giving God (Matt. 7:11). However, this good desire can go too far and cause damage without proper boundaries.
Part of our responsibility as parents is to hold our children accountable and teach them consequences. Understanding there are consequences for our actions, both good and bad, is important for thriving in this life and vital for understanding the gospel. Without a proper understanding of consequences, children will grow up without understanding responsibility and will constantly feel entitled, which creates many problems in this life.
But understanding consequences is also important for spiritual life. Otherwise, the idea of eternal judgement for our sin won’t make any sense, thus there will be no need to find redemption. They will view God’s righteous wrath as unfair and feel entitled to eternal life. Someone who doesn’t take responsibility for their action will see no need for a Savior.
A proper worldview that understands consequences begins in the home.
Displeasing Accountability
One of the godliest men in Scripture failed in this area. King David did many mighty and noble things in this life, but one weakness that Scripture reveals is his family life. Not only did he break God’s plan for marriage by having many wives, but he also showed a weakness in holding his children accountable.
One example is in the first chapter of Kings. David is getting older, so there is a power vacuum forming. David’s oldest living son, Adonijah, sees an opportunity to promote himself. He sets himself up as king, but does not does not consult with the proper people (vv. 7-10). He is a handsome man who despises accountability, partly because his father failed to teach him:
His father had never at any time displease him by asking, ‘Why have you done thus and so?’ (v. 6)
King David never displeased him by asking about his actions. Asking accountability questions often makes people uncomfortable, especially when in the wrong, and David refused to do so to his son. While some may see this as more loving and less judgmental, it actually brought much harm to his sons.
Removing Folly
Proverbs 22:15 says, “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.” Our sinful nature is filled with folly, and parents are called to teach their children a better way. But, such accountability isn’t pleasant and will displease our children in the moment. However, Scripture says such discipline, while immediately painful, will yield “the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it” (Heb. 12:11).
Parents must decide that we love our children too much to hold back such life-giving discipline. We must be willing to displease our kids in the moment in order to produce something better long-term. While we all desire to be liked, especially by our kids, we willingly receive their displeasure in situations where we must hold them accountable.
We don’t displease for the sake of displeasing. We don’t say ‘no’ just to say we said ‘no.’ Parenting will provide many opportunities where we have to correct our children’s actions, redirect their thinking, or simply say ‘no’ to their desire. We may not love these moments, but they are necessary and crucial.
Of course, such discipline should be built upon a strong foundation of love. Our children should know we love them, that we will always love them, and we care deeply for their well-being. When children sense these things, they will be better equipped to received loving discipline and correction.
Do you love your children enough to displease them?
But the first example of David’s parenting failures is in II Samuel 13 — just two chapters after his great sin with Bathsheba. There, we see the tragic events with Amnon and Tamar. Verse 21 says, “But when King David heard of all these things, he was very angry.” But he did *nothing*! So Absalom took things into his own hands and exacted revenge on Amnon by killing him, and things just went downhill from there. And all of these things were the consequences that Nathan had prophesied in 12:10 — because of David’s great sin. The far-reaching consequences of sexual sin!