At 30 years old, I met my brother for the first time. My two sisters and I grew up in a loving home without any knowledge of another sibling. Then, one evening I received a call from my mom. She told me the story of getting pregnant at a young age and, years before I was born, having a little boy.
My mom’s pregnancy at 12 years old was the result of sexual assault. Such trauma left her scared and confused. Though difficult, she decided to keep the baby and give him up for adoption. Still a child herself, my 13-year-old mother gave birth to my brother.
Thirty-five years later she received a message on Facebook: “Hello, some internet research has led me to believe you may be my birth mother…” The two of them reunited, and then we set up a meeting with the entire family. With a mixture of excitement and nervousness, I shook my brother’s hand for the first time.
Though many years were lost, this sweet reunion has provided a decade of new memories, trips, and holidays together. Forced into a difficult decision, my mom decided not to terminate my brother’s life, and all these years later she is thankful she made that decision. Now, she enjoys a sweet relationship with my brother and his family. Through the awful ashes of sexual assault, God made something beautiful.
The Deadly Assumption
Pro-life Christians often feel a tension between standing for life and wanting to show compassion to assault victims. Our cultural narratives assume that continuing the pregnancy is harmful for victims of sexual assault, and this assumption is rarely questioned. Thus, when asked about abortion in cases of rape, pro-lifers often feel backed into a corner. If we stick to our convictions about protecting the life of every human, it’ll seem like we lack compassion for the victim. On the other hand, if we allow an exception in these cases, then we contradict our beliefs about life in the womb.
However, research has shown that abortion doesn’t bring healing to victims of sexual assault. In one study, eighty-eight percent of women who aborted their child explicitly regretted having the abortion and stated it was the wrong decision. Nearly all of them said that their abortion only increased the trauma they experienced. Of the women who carried the baby to term, none stated that they wished to have chosen abortion instead. [1]
Sexual assault is a horrific, dehumanizing experience, and so is abortion. Using one traumatic experience to heal from another traumatic experience is like fighting fire with more fire. The abortion doesn’t change the horror the woman has already faced, but can intensify the pain. My mother was able to find healing even though she kept the baby. Abortion might seem like the easiest, most compassionate solution, but ending a human life doesn’t help a mother heal.
My mother’s decision allowed my brother to live, and she doesn’t carry life-long guilt for ending his life. She did everything she could amid an awful situation.
Choosing the Best For Both
My mom’s testimony exposes the false dichotomy of conviction vs. compassion. As a pastor, if a victim like my mom walks into my office, I don’t have to choose between counseling her according to my biblical convictions and counseling her with compassion for the egregious wrong she has suffered. Encouraging her to choose life is compassionate for the mom and the baby.
We can help those hurt by crimes of sexual assault without adding additional victims. We don’t have to decide between showing compassion or protecting life. Regardless of how a life is conceived, every person is made in the image of God and has a right to live.
Out of love and compassion, we fight for the mother’s well-being. Out of love and compassion, we fight for the life of the baby. God can take the most painful ashes and make something beautiful.
Many women have been told that ending their pregnancies will bring them healing and freedom, but they’re left with pain and regret. Jesus can both forgive their sin and heal their wounds. His love brings light to the darkest situations. His power can restore even the most broken. His grace is sufficient when we are at our weakest.
While there’s no easy path in these situations, my hope in sharing my mom’s experience is to challenge cultural assumptions and offer a different narrative. In the aftermath of sexual assault, it can be hard to see how any good could come from giving birth to a baby conceived under such circumstances.
But 40 years down the road, my mom would tell you that as she sat beside her son and watched her granddaughter graduate, she had no regrets.
[1] Victims and Victors: Speaking Out About Their Pregnancies, Abortions, and Children Resulting from Sexual Assault, edited by David Reardon, Julie Maxima, and Amy Sobie, Acorn Books, 2000.
